Cut the Shit

Gosh.

What do I talk about first?

So many things have happened today that I think I have to list them in order to make sure that I cover all of it.

Here is my list:

1) Today I was informed that a student at my job knows that I keep this blog. I don't know how much he is reading and I don't know what to do. Yes, this is a public blog, but I write things in here that I would never want made "public". At least to my co-workers. So I am nervous about it and as I type in here tonight I feel as though I am being watched. Truth be told, the kid who knows about this blogger is seemingly very nice and respectable. I don't think that he would expose this site. And I don't think that I should have any cause to worry. But I do. This is MY journal and I have put a lot of effort into it and I don't want to ever have to explain myself when it comes to things I have written. Should I shut it down?

2) I spoke with my dad today, after not talking to him since New Year's. The longer I waited to call him, the more nervous and anxious I became. It was weird. My dad and I are very close, but he has said to me in the past: "I need you to give me 20 minutes of your week. Every week." And he's right. We should ALL have 20 minutes available, every week, for the people we love. I always get wrapped up in my dramatic bullshit that the days go by and I realize I have missed another phone call with my father. This man is my heart. I cherish his every being. I am very hard on him and I go through the day acting as though I am tough and "am embarrassed about everything he does", but when it comes down to it, I just love the man. He is very tough on me. Not in the way you would think. Truth is, he just wants the absolute best for me. The man truly believes that I have achievable dreams. He knows that acting is for me. He just wants me to prove it to myself. But damn that's a lot of pressure. Having someone believe in you more than you believe in yourself...AND they're your father? Shit. Sometimes the love I have for him makes me implode with nervous vomit. I think you understand.

3) public blog public blog public blog

4) I have to change the link to my website soon.

5) Yesterday for lunch I had an apple (granny smith, the only apple that can be deemed 'edible'") and a wheat roll with nothing on it. Pretty healthy, eh? Well today, we had free pizza at work and my yogurt and apple idea went down the tubes pretty quickly. You see, I can do it. I can be healthy. But when I am told that there is free pizza and I don't have to pay $2.50 for organic bullshit, do I say no? Do I spend the money on yogurt and granny's when I can just eat the pizza for free? FOR REAL NOW. Why does dieting cost so much more money that eating garbage? My point is: OKAY FINE! I WILL EAT HEALTHY! But why the FUCK do I have to go broke doing it? Does the government want us to be obese? All of the newspapers say that "America is getting fatter!" ARE WE SERIOUS? It costs MORE money to buy an apple and wheat roll than it does to buy a slice of pizza. Sure, water is free. But god forbid you want to drink a bottle of cranberry juice as a change up. That shit costs like $40! I mean, come on. I am willing to get into shape and all, but bitch gotta live.

6) I think I might have a nervous breakdown when Rita leaves and Kelly and I move into Manhatten.

7) Paul and I had the most wonderful and horrible argument last night. You see, I wanted to go out to dinner and not eat "shepard's pie". (The dinner he prepared the night before. Yes, I know. Peasant food.) Paul could eat it every day. hm. I offered to pay for us to eat a sushi dinner (his favorite), but that I would need to borrow $10 until Friday cuz I didn't have enough cash. But NOTE...I offered to PAY. Also don't forget that during my work day I offered to meet him at "The Food Emporium" to buy groceries. I was trying to be NICE and AGREEABLE. When I mentioned the idea of borrowing money from him, he said "No! You will go to an ATM cuz you never pay me back and you spend all of my money." (When I relayed this to Rita tonight she screamed back: "There is DOCUMENTED PROOF that you have gone dutch since he's been in NY!" And she's right) I told him that I couldn't believe that I had to spend $1.50 on an ATM to get cash when he had it sitting right on his dresser (I don't know how to spell dresser) We fought big time and eventually I just told him the truth. "I'm not happy in this relationship. I think you are mean to me and cut me down. I think that you take everything that bothers you out on ME and I am tired of spending my nights that way. Something needs to change now. You moving here or not. I don't want to be around you anymore." Paul responds with: "Then get out!"
Don't worry. Joe responds with a witty and intelligent and pinning him to the wall argument that he cannot deny. Paul gets nervous when he knows he's wrong and all he can say is: "I don't want to talk about this right now" or "just go home then. If you don't love me, go home." That old story. Bitch, we been together three years. Be a man and talk serious with your boyfriend. After much debate I do believe that Paul heard me and that he will see the difference between the good way to treat people you love and the bad way to treat people you love. If he doesn't learn the difference, then he will be spending alot of time alone. Thinking.

8) "The Bachlertette"...OMIGOD HOW DO YOU SPELL BACHLORETTE? AAAAGH! I HATE THE SHOW AND EVEN MORE SO I HATE THE SPELLING OF THE NAME! boof.

9) Today, Kelly told the landlord that we were moving. She's got balls, that one does. I am so thankful that she took care of that and that we can all focus on just moving. From what I hear, Pintu, our landslords, told Kelly that he would lower the rent in order for us to stay. UM!??!?!?! I mean, we should have "moved" MONTHS ago! For the love. In any case, we don't have to pay this month's rent cuz our security covers it and there, my friends, is my security deposit for my new apartment. A WHOPPING $670! Yeah! That FLIES in Manhatten. Oh boy.

10) I still love having my computer in my room.

Now I gotta go.

There's a dildo calling my name.
SIKE!
(of course....sorta sike)

I guess the weekend is officially over now. I am back sitting at my desk and wondering how it is possible that the last 3 days have flown by as quickly as they did. Oh well. Back to my humdrum existence of answering phones and talking to students. God I hate my life.

The weekend was pretty great. Kelly and I ended up staying awake until about 6am on Saturday night. Just talking and smoking cigarettes and hanging out. It was nice.

Sunday night, Mariah, her roommate Rachel, Kelly, Paul and I all went over to the Boiler Room for drinks and talks. Despite Rachel's past attitude problems and the fact that she wanted to leave from the moment she got there, the time spent with her was pretty ok. She didn't bother anyone and I even laughed at some of the shit that came out of her mouth. Mariah was a gem all night and I definitely wished that Rachel had stayed home so that Mariah could have spent more time with us. Kelly, Paul, and I head over to Urge for one final drink before going home. Paul was able to sit and talk about his new job and I think that he is starting to feel a little bit better about being in NYC. Eventually Kelly took a cab home and Paul and I went back to his apartment. Passed out around 3:30am.

Yesterday I had the day off from work, which was NICE. I spent the majority of the day watching tv and preparing for the audition that Kelly's theatre company was holding. Around 7pm, I bundled up my nerves, threw them in my bookbag and took off for Mid-town. It was freezing last night and the commute was fucking awful. I arrived at the theatre at 7:45pm for the 8pm audition. We were paired up into groups and were told that we could run lines with eachother before we had to go in.

Side note: I hate running lines with people that I am supposedly competing with for a part.

I was asked to read with this guy Patrick. At first I was glad that he was the one I was to be reading with. He was a nice guy and I thought that he would be easy to read with.
I was completely wrong and knew it right from the start of the audition. Patrick is one of those guys that does distracting shit during a reading. In the middle of our audition, Patrick walks away from me, grabs a chair from against the wall and sits in it.
UM...WHAT?!

I mean, of COURSE he grabbed a chair and sat down in it. Why WOUDN'T he? He completely through me off and then my mind was racing with: "Now, as an actor, I KNOW I should figure out a way to get another chair and sit next to him, but he totally threw me off and now I don't even know where my line is and doh(!) I have just stepped all over his dialogue and ARGH I HATE THIS KID!". It was pretty frustrating. So then we switch roles and Patrick plays the part that I was playing and I play the part that Patrick was playing. This time though, I moved the chairs very far back so he couldn't grab one.

BUT WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT!

In the middle of our scene, Patrick turns his back to me and takes at LEAST 4 or 5 steps towards the back of the room. Now, in order for me to continue reading with him, I have to figure out a way to walk backwards to stand by him. Or I can just turn around, talk directly to him, and stand with my back to the auditioners.
Sure, I mean, why not?
What an asshole he was. I mean, part of me is like: "He maximized his space and is trying to 'change up' the audition". But a bigger part of me is like: "You are a selfish prick/showoff/asshole that can't focus on your own audition. Instead you are distracting and do nothing but provide unnecessary challenges for the unlucky soul who has to read with you." Needless to say, this portion of the audition did not go well for me at all.

When our time was up, I retreated to a chair outside of the audition room and just thought about what happened. I realized that it's been two years and I am out of practice. If I had been at the top of my game and slightly less rusty, I would have been able to combat Patrick's game playing. But I didn't. I fumbled, I lost my spot on the page, and I began to feel whatever confidence I had slip away and down the tubes of acting hell.

While I was waiting for my second reading, I had a chance to watch and see the other guys preparing for their audition. As I watched each pair preparing for their turn in line, I was overwhelmed at how much more appropriate they would have been for the part instead of me. I usually think that I can play just about anything, but the old adage is true: "Not every actor is right for every role". These guys were better suited for this play and while I wanted to run out of the room in embarrassment, I know that a true actor sticks it out even when they know that they are no longer being considered for the part. So I did stay and I did the best I could at remaining focused.

I was paired up with a guy named Lee for the second reading. This reading went much better for me, but I am not sure if that was because he was not an actor or if I just felt more comfortable with him. Lee was a great guy and was very easy to work with. Unfortunately, Lee just doesn't have it as an actor. (in my opinion) We had a smooth run and then we were asked to wait around for a bit.

About 20 minutes later, Kelly and the rest of the crew came out and asked that 3 of the actors remain. The rest of us were told we could leave. I knew for sure, at that point, that there was no chance at me getting one of these two parts. I put on my jacket and left as quickly as I could. Upon arriving back at Paul's apartment, I was greeted with immediate "congratulations" and other words of excitement. Unfortuately, I had to sit down and explain to people, who aren't actors, that I just wasn't right for the role. Jen, Lisa, and Paul listened to what I had to say, but assured me that I would get cast based on the fact that Kelly is my housemate. That train of thought makes sense, but I didn't know how to explain to them that it just wasn't the case. Kelly wasn't the only person who would make the final cut and even if she was, she needs to do what she feels is right for her show.

I spent the rest of the night running the audition over and over through my head. What could I have done differently? What do I need to work on? Was there ever a chance at me getting one of these roles anyway?

I came in to work today to find an email from Kelly explaining that I was indeed NOT cast in the show. The disappointment I felt was pretty horrible, as it should be. Being told that you can't do something that you want to do, regardless of what it is, hurts a bit. Even though I convinced myself that I wasn't right for this part, I still felt kinda bad when I knew that my assumptions were right.

I do believe that I could have played either of the roles I auditioned for. I believe that just about any of the guys auditioning could have played them as well. I think that Kelly and her group made the right decision in not casting me. If I had auditioned for people I didn't know, I am sure that it would have turned out the same. There were gyus there that were better suited to play these parts.
I can accept that.

So now I have to find another audition. There are quite a few good things that came out of last night.

1) I auditioned. After two years of running away from my dream, last night I took a step back towards it.

2) I realized that my fear of "risk taking" in an audition is still haunting me. I have always had a hard time putting myself out there when I am unsure as to how the part needs to be played. I set up walls for myself that I must learn how to climb over.

3) I felt ALIVE before, during, and after the audition. I felt more like myself again. I have been so mean and bitter lately and having spent one hour in front of people, trying out for a show, made me feel more like myself than anything else I have done since I left college.

4) I learned how to accept defeat. In the entertainment business, there is much more heartache and disappointment than any other field. You must learn how to be told that you are "not right for the part". I began learning this lesson last night. It will only make me stronger in the long run.

All in all, last night was a great experience. So it's one show and I didn't get in. It happens. I will spend today looking for another audition and I will try to find the positive in what I have right now. I am so grateful that I was invited to the audition to begin with. It was a wonderful stepping stone for me. I remember what it's like to be in a room with a bunch of guys all wanting the same thing. It's just that this time, I was one of those people who didn't get what they wanted. This is going to happen to me about a thousand more times before I actually relax into something big.

And that's it.

Time to put the dream back on hold and go back to my life as an administrative assistant. :(

For some reason, I hate this job more today than I ever have before.

Talk about a LAME Saturday Night

I had it all planned.
Friday was my day alone. Tonight was dinner at Paul’s restaurant and then out to see our friend Steve play in his band.
But then things happened. As they always do.

Friday started with Paul cancelling our Saturday dinner due to money worries. I understood. How could I not?
Even if I was pretty excited that he used the word "date" when asking me to hang out.

My night alone last night was everything I didn’t want it to be: filled with anxiety, eating trash, and watching horrible tv for hours on hours on hours. Could I have done a sit-up? Could I have eaten a salad? Could I have done some acting exercises? Could I have EVEN put in a movie and watched something I hadn’t seen over and over?
no. Impossible. I was a piece of shit.
And for the first time in a long time...I hated it. I didn’t relax and I didn’t have fun.

Today...I did the same. Hung around and masturbated repeatedly. At one point I was sitting naked at Rita’s computer pumping my shit when Pintu, the landlord, came barreling through the front door. Again. Does he have to come in EVERY time I am doing something nasty and gay?
GOD.
After running to my room and hiding out for an hour, I decided that it was time to re-emerge with confidence. If he was still tooling around our apartment, I would act all surpised and tell him to get the fuck out.

Luckily he was gone.

After that, I spoke with Paul and he was pretty irritable from having worked at a new restaurant for the last 5 days. He has been studying the store menu for days. His test is tomorrow.
After speaking with him, I decided to whip up a very elegant and FAST dinner for him. I wanted it to be ready before he got to my pad. That gave me 50 minutes.

I tore through the cupboards thinking of endless dinners in my mind.

I finally settled on a quick marinated chicken, pasta packet of Fettucini Alfredo, and homemade bisquik biscuits. JUST LIKE RITA MAKES. I busted ass and the dinner was fully prepared for the minute he walked in the door.

He was very pleased and we immediately sat down to dinner. (BTW...it was JOOD! ((that means "real good")))
While chomping on my fourth biscuit of the evening (stop it Joe. really now.), Mariah called to inform us that she wouldn’t be going to the show due to a sudden illness. NOOOOOOOOOO! I was COUNTING on her being there. (She wasn’t going originally, but changed her mind on Friday and I decided at that moment that I could only go if she were going.) So Mariah bails and I start to realize that I just don’t want to go anymore. Of course.

Paul needed to study his menu, so I spent the time taking a shower and getting ready for our night out. With Paul studying so diligently, I planned on us going out for a quick drink at a gay bar before heading over to the show at the Elbow Room.

Every half hour I checked in on Paul to assess his progress. During one of my visits, I ripped his pants off and sucked his dick. He seemed surprised, but also pleased. I knew it would help him relax. :-D

Finally, at 9:15pm, I gave him the final quiz.

I don’t know if the kid has literal rocks in his head or if he just stares at the pages and dreams of having fame, fortune, and a hot body, but he retained NONE OF IT! He has been studying this menu for days and when I quizzed him, he burst out laughing at each item. He was clueless.

I grew frustrated and explained to him that he was “really only hurting himself by spending his time studying, daydreaming”. He nodded in approval and went back to work.

At 10:15pm....

HE STILL KNEW NONE OF IT!

No, that’s not true.

When I asked him what the ingredients were in the basic cheese pizza, he said: “Well, I know that you are supposed to leave the basil off when children order it.”....................................um.

Good Paul.
very good.

I gave him a crash course in how to memorize things.
The imagery trick worked like a charm, but after an hour and a half we still had only gotten through half the menu.

At that point I offered to not go out at all and to spend the night helping him memorize. He was vehement in the fact that he “had to go to Steve’s show”. I said I understood that, but also understood that the test was in the morning and that he was still unprepared. This conversation eventually turned ugly and we fought. The fight led to a discussion and

I tried to discuss a lot of the things that have been bothering me lately.:

1) He never listens. He talks over me and only about himself at an increasingly annoying rate.

2) He throws everything, from our past, in my face on a daily basis. It doesn’t matter what comes out of my mouth, Paul has a memory of something shitty I have done that will counteract the point I am trying to make. God! This is the worst one. Whether it’s a talk about money or the amount of times one of us has said “I love you”, he throws it in my face. It makes it impossible to ever move forward.

3) He is taking all of his frustration on finding a new job and changing his life out on me.
I understand that this has to happen. The kid did just move to NYC for me.
But, it’s gotta let up a bit. I mean, seriously. It’s been 7 or 8 weeks and he is about to break me. (I spent the last 3 days away from him. Not really talking on the phone, not sleeping in the same bed, not arguing...it was nice)
I need him to get adjusted. Yet deep down I know it takes forEVER for this to happen when you first to move to NYC.
I just have to be patient. It's all I can do.

ugh.

After our argument, there was no way that I could go to the show with him. The discussion had gotten too personal and real. I have to admit, I was very proud of myself during the whole thing. He got crazy and was screaming and I just listened and tried to understand. I didn’t scream (unless he spoke over me) and I really made an effort in working through it.
Ultimately it didn’t matter tho.
He left and refused to kiss me.
(how quickly we forget the blow job of 8:17pm)

I let him go.

I then realized that I had no plans for Saturday night. It’s now 12am and I sit here typing in my blogger. Yeah JOE! You are the MAN in NYC. Look at how the phone rings off the hook!
God...time to not be such a loser.

Kelly called and said she would be home around 2am. If I am still awake and breathing at that point, we will hang out. If not, I go to bed having spent 48 hours in my house. And for the most part...I have hated it.

Tomorrow night I am to hang out with Mariah. That will prove to be more fun. Thank God I don’t have to work on Monday or else this weekend would have been a complete wash.

In conclusion...


While sitting here typing this, I decided to play Rita’s mp3 selection. I miss these songs. I remember sitting here last summer, drinking my glass of wine, and writing about my woes. Hearing some of these songs and sitting in this seat gives me this eerie feeling of comfort. I love it. And I am seriously going to miss living in my apartment. Pretty soon Kelly and I will move to Manhatten and Rita will move back to Syracuse. Life as I know it will change.

Lord help us.

oooh! One more thing....

Rita had a very beautiful and MOVING experience on Thursday night. An experience which she nor I will forget for the rest of our lives. I don’t want to get into it, cuz it’s her business, but I do want to say that I was and am still overjoyed with happiness. And relief. It finally happened baby! WELCOME! I have never seen such beauty and innocence in your eyes as I did that night.
I am always here if you need to talk.

And that’s it.

Hope everyone else is having a more eventful Saturday night.

I gotta go find something to do. Kelly doesn’t get home for another couple of hours.

OH NO!!!

Guys...big problem. Nell Carter has died. I am in complete shock. The poor thing was 54 years old and yesterday she passed away. I mean, really! How can today be positive? Nell Carter is gone! For the full story, click on this:
Nell Carter is dead now

I feel horrible about this. Who DIDN'T love her? Cuz I surely did.
ugh. Bye Nelly. Bye my sweet fat lady. :(

In other news...

I really don't know what else to say. I am kinda sad. I guess I am just going to have to get over it. I have yet to figure out a way to bring people back to life, so I guess I just have to accept the fact that I will never meet her and put my face in her beautiful busoms. (big sigh)

So, this weekend seems to be filled with nothing, but fun. Tomorrow night is my night alone. I have no plans and that is exactly what I wanted. When Rita asked me what I was going to do...I told her that I would "buy a pint of Ben and Jerry's and eat the whole thing. The end." She thought that was a good idea too.

On Saturday, Paul and I are going out to dinner at his new place of employment. I am excited about that. He is paying and that's a treat. These days we both go dutch and I hate it. I used to love being treated like the little princess. Dinner will be fun. And if I am lucky, maybe we will even hook up afterwords. Who knows.

Saturday night, Kelly, Paul and I are going to see our friend Steve play a show at the Elbow Room. The band is called
Lincoln Conspiracy and they're pretty good. Paul and I have been friends with Steve for a long time and it is going to be great to see him again. And he's pretty hot when he performs. His voice reminds me John Mayer. Cept "Lincoln Conspiracy" is more like "Our Lady Peace". You understand. Not only will we see Steve, we will also see our friends Stella and Doodie. It's going to be a big Boston reunion. I am muchly looking forward to it.

On Sunday, I will be sleeping as late as I possibly can. After that I have errands to do and then will be going out with my old friend Mariah. It's been two weeks since I last saw her and we are very overdue for some special time together. Maybe we'll go out, maybe we'll stay in. Either way I am very happy to hang out with her again. I don't see her nearly enough and that has to change.

On Monday, I will sleep late again and then get ready for my first audition in NYC! Kelly's theater company, The Glass Cage Theater Company, will be auditioning for their first production. I am pretty excited just to do anything that involves reading a script. I photocopied her copy of the script today and plan on dissecting it this weekend. Fun, right? Let's just hope it all works out.

And that's it! I will be off from work Monday and I am pretty stoked about that. Sleep late for 3 days?? How will I manage?

Okay, unfortunately, I HAVE to get back to work. Will be by later. I mean, I do have a computer in my room afterall.
ROCK!

I'm at home! YAY! I'm writing on my computer. Geez...I love ya guy.

I miss my computer. I only get to be home like 4 days a week now that Paul is living in the city. So when I am home, it's like a celebration of kinds. Not really a party, per se. More like a reunion.

Kelly got cut from work tonight and to Rita's and my surprise, came walking in the door at 7:30pm. It was pretty strange! She is NEVER home after our usual 9-5 jobs. She walked in and we loved. We absorbed. We talked for a bit and then tuned in to American Idol to laugh and laugh. It was nice. And I miss it. A lot.

I decided that while writing tonight, I was going to do something different.
I decided to be fucking LAME and tell a few things about myself that you might not know.
LAME
For example...I will tell you a secret or an embarrassing couple of things and you will laugh and go...boh?
Cuz you go boh. Even if you don't think you act boh...you do. You are boh.

Here we go: (boh and go)

1) I like french fries alot. A very lot.
(I just wrote a whole paragraph about french fries and hated it so much that I had to burn myself and erase it immediately. Holy shit. I just wrote complete garbage and almost posted it. LAME joe. lame.)

(stop with the "lame" shit!)

I can't stop saying it.

Next...

2) I have a problem with tangents. I can't stop ever.

3) I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ pretty hardcore and sometimes it doesn't come across nearly enough in this journal. Cuz it should. It's everything to me. I understand that people have their own opinions about my lifestyle and my quote un quote (lame)homosexuality, but my relationship with God is my business and I couldn't possibly see it otherwise.

4) I am a horribly jealous person. In highschool I was terrible. I thought I had outgrown it, but lately I think it's worse than ever. I am an evil monster. The ugliest kind. I can be scary.

5)

ha. (being honest hurts)

5) I want to hook up with a bodybuilder before I die. It's just what I want to do. I want to do it alot. So much.

6) I worry about being an actor every day of my life. I obsess about it and I make myself sick over it. I want so badly to have it all fall into place, but I haven't yet found the path. It's close and I feel the tides changing. It's such a long process, yet I know what I am destined to do. I know it. Yes, people say it all the time, but I truly feel it. I am at the start of something big and I am afraid to accept it.
I believe this shit. And I believe it's time.

7) I have watched every Real World from beginning to end and it truly hurts my feelings that the Las Vegas cast was ever born. Sometimes...sometimes Rita and I sit and name every character from every cast. It's just what we do. I am pretty impressed by us. If the LSAT'S involved memorizing and adoring the Real World, then Rita and I...well...we'd be PhD's. or something else with an easier abbreviation to type.

8) The Simpsons is my favorite tv show of all time. hands down.

9) I love my parents obsessively and it scares me to imagine a life without them. (I haven't talked to them in 2 weeks and it makes me ((literally)) sick to my stomach. I miss them. I worry about them. I need...NEED...to learn how to live my life separate from them. I am 25 and I want to spend every day with them. What happens when they're gone? When I don't have them here anymore. This is the fucked up shit that I think and stress about. Stop it Joe. Stop it.

10) I love to sing and sometimes think I was meant to be a singer. Then I stop and smack myself for lighting and loving that first cigarette. I wasn't meant to smoke. I know it. But here I sit smoking anything that will light. Singing is my love. I love music and I love a good voice. I love everything about it. I have aspirations of writing a song and being in a Broadway musical and cutting an album (even a lame European one)...and and and. I just love it. I wonder how my life could have been different.

11) I need to finish soon. It's 10pm and I gots shit to do.

12) This is how much of a loser I was...when I was in fifth grade, one of my friends, Todd, brought a "Penthouse" on the school bus and I went up to the bus driver and totally rat him out. As we know, even then, I must not have liked titties. I TOLD on him! He was busted and didn't ride our bus for awhile. Man. I sucked.

13) I was obsessed with "The Babysitter's Club" (trademark) for 13 straight books and two super specials and can to this day tell you how upset I was when Claudia's grandmother "Mimi" died. It's a secret I tell only the few. Cuz I mean...Joe...did you think you were a 13 year old girl!? But I did and I loved it. I find it to be useful knowledge these days. You wouldn't look at me and think "That guy just loved "The Babysitter's Club"!". But I did. And in the game of life, I will use it against you.


14) I like to be in my bed and comfortable no later than 11pm when I am home. That means no more of this little share myself shit.

This was fun. Maybe I will start thinking of random themes and topics to my journal! Yeah! That's exactly the thing I'm trying to go against!

snore.

Sometimes it's just fun to type when you know that other people are reading it and thinking how damn crazy and sexy you are.

cuz so sexy, right?

I mean, I haven't shit in two days.

sexy, right?

oooh. it's brewin...

Okay, so I am back. Officially. Yesterday was crazy, but today has been a bit more low key. The only downfall is that the day FLEW by yesterday when I was so busy. Today crawls like a slug on the table of life.
hmmmm....

no.

Today crawls like my cock.
how's that for creepy?

Thank God it's Wednesday. This week is almost over. Thursdays are cake. I have a 3 day weekend coming up due to the fact that I had to be at that lame ass retreat on Monday. All we did was sit around, eat BAD Chinese food, and discuss "turning points" in our lives. Since I was not in the mood to divulge anything personal or for that matter, important, I decided to tell all of the new students that I was gay. I swear I saw a few jaws hit the floor. I mean...these poor students come in to talk about their Jewish experiences and I tell them that I like to touch other guy's penises. It was pretty LAME and pretty GREAT. Whatever. In any case I get the day off on Monday, so how can I complain?

Paul and I have been two peas in a pod this week. Sunday we made dinner and watched tv. Monday we made dinner and watched tv. Last night? Oh yeah, we made dinner and watched tv. I have seen more reality television than my stomach can handle. Also, I have been eating rather hoss-like again. Paul keeps asking me what diet I think I'm on and I always repsond with: "Can I have some more sour patch kids now?" This diet is going GREAT! I think I have lost....mmmmm.....NO POUNDS! Eh...whatever. I'm still hot.

On Thursday, Paul and I will have avoided sex for over 2 weeks. Considering that our 3-year anniversary kinda went down the tubes, I am thinking of celebrating this mini-anniversary. In fact, I spent at least one hour last night lecturing him on this topic. He absolutely agrees that we need to start making love more often. I don't know. I sense that he doesn't want to touch me anymore. Which is fine with me considering that I don't really want to touch him. Paul and I are becoming great FRIENDS. But when are we going to be boyfriends again? It's weird. I know I am still in love with him and I KNOW that he is still in love with me...but we have hit this plateau and we need to find a way to break out of it. I am tired of being the one to initiate the hook-up. And if I don't initiate it, it doesn't happen. Basically...we've got work to do.
But it's fun work! Naked fun work.

Paul has gotten a job! He started yesterday (orientation) and has shifts through the week. The place is beautiful. We are going to eat there on Saturday night. He actually asked me out on a date! I thought that was adorable, even though I know he only did it cuz he is supposed to go eat there at some point. Snore. I'm getting the most expensive thing on the menu. CAVIAR TOPPED WITH LOBSTER BISQUE! Sike. I'll probably get garlic bread and hash browns.
ooh. yum!
After we went out to meet his lame cousin, Paul and I spent the rest of the night with me watching tv and him next to me studying for his food and beverage quiz. He called us "Study Buddies" and I about shit myself. Cept that I wasn't studying. So...fuck study buddies. Luckily, his roommates Jen and Lisa have been MIA for awhile. Jen went back to Boston for the week. Supposedly she is coming back this weekend, but Paul says he thinks more like next week. FINE WIT ME! Lisa has been doing her own thing. She tried to eat dinner with us the other night, but my shitty attitude and lack of interest in anything she was saying made her leave. I was pretty pleased with myself.

GOD! Could I BE a bigger ASSHOLE?

Yeah. yeah I could.

I am becoming a VERY good cook. Last night I made a pasta casserole! I don't even know how to spell casserole, but I made it anyway! It was fucking tasty and Paul licked up his plate and then mine. I used 3 different types of cheese, two types of sauce, and seasonings seasonings seasonings! The entire apartment smelled fucking good! Paul sat on the couch studying while I spent an hour and a half preparing. He was very grateful and surprised as shit that I am getting as good as I am. I have decided that I like to cook. Never really thought about it in the past. But I think I have a slight knack for it. You know why? I have yet to cook anything that turns out to be nast. Once that happens, I don't think I will be tooting my lil' horn anymore.
fucking toot.

I get this pain in my chest now. It's not in my heart, it's closer to my left breast. Or my left pec. Depends on which gender I am trying to affiliate myself with on that given day. Today...woman. So my titty hurts. I think it's from cigarettes. Sometimes it just goes away and sometimes it stays and talks to me. Today it's talking at full volume. I want to chop it's head off. But essentially I would be chopping my tit off and that would just be hurtful. Emotionally as well as spiritually.

I'm a whack job today.

Last Friday night, Paul, Rita, and I ate chicken clubs and watched "Signs" together. It was my third viewing of this movie, but I still cried my eyes out like a pretty princess. I am very moved by this movie and will go so far as to say that it was one of, if not, THE best movies I saw all last year. There are scares, tears, laughs...everything a great movie should have. It's wonderful. Go out and rent it please. Think of me when they discover that there really isn't aliens and it's all a hoax.
sike.
but maybe not sike...........................
hahahahahaboof.
scuse me.

I made homemade french fries to go with our chicken clubs. It was just about the tastiest thing my fat belly has had in awhile. I HOUSED them. Then I HOUSED some more. Then I HOUSED my house. Stop it Joe. Stop being such a good cook. Did I mention I go through about a gallon of olive oil no matter WHAT I make? Yes, very healthy. Pasta boiled in olive oil is gooooood!
No wonder my chest hurts.

On Saturday night, Rita, Paul and I went to this club called Heaven. It was overpriced and sucked completely. While we were there, this guy, Kris, comes up to Paul and they seem to know eachother from Boston. Kris hung out with us the entire time and I was in full bitch mode. First of all, Kris thinks he's hot shit. I think Kris is FULL of shit. At one point, Kris (who is like 20 years old) goes to me: "You remind me so much of ME!"
I gagged on my vomit and then thought about what he said for a minute. I remind you of YOU?!?! But you are a cocky twink loser!!! Why do I remind you of YOU!?!?! As I saw him staring at himself in the mirror, adjusting his lame tie over and over (what is he? fucking Avril Lavigne???), I decided to put an end to him hanging out with us. I go: "Kris, I realize why I remind you of yourself. You are used to everyone in the club staring at you and so am I. Does it upset you that tonight they're only looking at me?" He gives me a dirrrrrrrrrty look and skanks his way over to the bar. While he was gone, Rita, Paul, and I decided to leave this so-called Heaven and go home.

Paul stayed at his place and Rita and I took the subway home. TOOK THE SUBWAY HOME! I don't think I have EVER taken the subway home after a night of drinking. It took forever, but Rita and I were wasted and played the whole way. Well, most of the way...we closed our eyes and laid our heads on eachother's shoulders for at least 15 minutes. I made the stupid mistake of buying a 6 pack of Amstel Light for $11. I opened one up in the subway station and chugged it on the way home. It was trashy and it was perfect . The night went very well. Kelly was home when we got there and she and I ended up staying up all night and talking. Rita passed out in the chair and Kelly and I waxed philosophic until about 4:30am. It was a very good night and despite Kris, the cocky motherfuck, I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Okay...time for lunch!

We are having a party at 3pm today for Rita and our housekeeper, Angela. There will be cake and fruit and annoying conversations to be had by all! Surely looking forward to it.

But for now...
for now I shove my face with lots of greaseless food.
Did I say greaseless?
I meant...greasegrease.

ONE MORE THING!!!!

PLEASE, for me if not for yourself, sign this petition to keep America from going to war with Iraq. There are other solutions to this conflict, other than war. If you disagree, I understand. But if you are against murder or are apathetic to this issue, please take one minute out of your day to sign this petition. No war!


My family and I appreciate it.

Have absolutely zero time to write today and I am not going home.

Today there is no entry here.

Instead I leave you with this visual:

bloody boogers on bread.

YEM!

Promise to write something of worth tomorrow. SO CRAZY AT WORK! GAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

At this moment I SHOULD be working on the 325 projects I got going, but instead I am playing on Gay.com and writing in my journal. Yes, the Rabbi's would be very happy about that.

Right now I am having the most annoying experience of my life. Can the housekeeper STOP STARING AT MY COMPUTER SCREEN!? She is going to see that I am talking to my gays. And then the gig is up. She will be embarrassed and I will have to explain why it's important that I talk to people who have pictures of themself covered in pee.
:-0******
me vomiting

Can people just leave me alone so I can talk to hot gay man and write in my journal all day? I mean...dayim!

Alright...some guy wants me to "cyber" with him. Too bad his body looks like it went through a donut factory.
BOOO WAHHHH! Cuz I mean, who am I kidding? I got "raspberry glazed" strapped all the way around my waist. But online, everyone thinks they are talking to their fantasy man. Too bad I'm at work, or I might let this guy call me up and get off. My theory is, if I don't end up liking you on the phone, I hang up just as you are about to cum.
MAN I'm such a bitch.

It's just...snores.

I love the guys that send me their picture and I end up recognizing the pic from a website I have recently been on.
Or the guy whose pic is of a HUGE bodybuilder, but when they call me on the phone, this little pip-squeak voice is like: "Joe. HYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" Then I barf and hang up right quick! If I wanted a woman to call me and get me off...I'd ask my mother.

Ok SICK!

YAY Weekend!

Here I cum......

Did you know that the bullfrog is the only animal that NEVER sleeps?
WEIRD!
Thank you to Snapple for that tidbit of information.

I just have to say one more thing.

I just signed in to "sitemeter.com" and checked my stats. Within this account, you can see where people are coming from. Like what link they were at before they got to you. You understand what I am saying. Computer geeks. Cookies.
hahahahalolorofllololcookies...geeks.

I get so many randoms on my site. I get people who "google" things and end up on my site. For example...one of the things I saw tonight was that somebody googled "Justin Timberlake free Naked". (first of all...free? Cheap bitches...) They google THAT and end up on MY site?!?! WHA!?!?! Well, I guess I did put all of those words in my journal, so why WOULDN'T somebody stumble upon it.

But the weird thing is this...

Somebody "googled"......................."Paul Cut the shit"

PAUL(!) CUT THE SHIT?!?!

What happened to JOE (!) CUT THE SHIT?!?!?!
Somebody is more interested in Paul than me!
Haven't I told you people enough bad things about Paul already? Do you still have to remember him regardless???

haha. I think it's pretty cool
Well...and weird.

Why are people googling about my life.
But it's fun. and also weird.

I made this weird.
I have a tendency to do that.

...............o....................

Goodbye now.

Look at me writing at 12am on a Thursday night. I have such POWER when I have a computer in my room. Thank you mom. Thank you dad. You have given me a reason to sign online at midnight. Rock out.

Had a very good day today.

Work sucked big time. Have been so swamped and no one has given me a chance to breathe. If you see that I am working on 4 major projects, do you send me an email telling me to ask my co-workers for money for the housekeeper's shoes?
No, that really happened today.

"Joe, please send an email around asking the staff if they will contribute $10 to buy the housekeeper new shoes. She uses these shoes to walk around our building all day. I am a complete asshole." That's what my email said, promise!

So now...on my salary, which is pretty much laughable, I have to buy the housekeeper new shoes. Why doesn't my JOB buy her new shoes? Why do I have to do it? I don't know. But it makes me die laughing.
Just so you know...I'm not giving the $10. I'm giving $5, like the passive aggressive bitch I am.

Aside from that the work day sucked.

Afterwords, Rita and I met up with our friend Ian (formerly "Brian" in this journal) for drinks. It was quite fun and I realized how desperately I need friends. Such as Ian. As we know now, Rita is leaving in a month. Kelly works every night and soon Paul will too. I guess it's time for Joe Cut the Shit to branch out.
It had to happen at some point.

Ian was fun and I think all of us enjoyed being with him. Paul showed up and was a delight. He always adds a certain "randomness" to every situation, but it worked well. Rita and I came back to Queens and Ian and Paul walked to the subway together.
They probably fucked while waiting for the 9 train.
you know how it goes.

After getting home and me housing the rest of the box of wine, Rita gave me a Tarot card reading. I have been feeling exceptionally "hot" this week and I thought that it was the right time for me to hone in on my personal shit. Rita did the reading and it was right on!

I am not Wiccan and I don't summon the four corners (Menoh) when I do the Tarot. I believe in Jesus and I know I shouldn't be playing around in these "devil" games. (hee hee) (oh.)(stop with the parenthesis baby)(please stop calling me baby)

I do the Tarot because it gives me a chance to look at my life. And my deck is in tune. It knows whats up. I give readings to people sometimes and it just blows up! (I'm trying to be somebody I'm not)

My reading was right on and gave me a chance to analyze all of the different relationships I got working right now.
Rita, Kelly, Mariah, Paul, Ari, snorely mcsnores...you know. All the importants.

Want to hear the weirdest thing?

I have been telling everyone lately that I should "play the numbers". Monday night I was watching the local news when the lotterly numbers came on. It was the pick 5 and I guessed three of them. Do you know how hard that is? There is like a billion and one numbers! And I picked THREE of them!
and I am a gaylord right now.

But the point is this: I told Rita that I wanted to play the pick 3 lottery yesterday. I said about...well...3 times. I said: "Rita! I want to play the numbers 5-9-6!"
Tonight Rita tells me that the numbers were: "5-6-shumma shum". (whatever it wasnt a 9 so why should I care...)

If I had played....
If I had tuned in my abilities...
If I had trusted in myself...

I would have won money! You get some cash for guessing two out of three. Sure it may be 50 bucks and a handful of Twizzlers..but it's...CANDY! And we LOVECANDY!

I gotta sit with myself and figure out how to come up with my numbers. I have never bought a "Quickpick" lottery ticket before.
I picture me saying: "Can I pick some numbers?"
and them saying: "Wha?"
Me: "I want to pick some numbers for the pick 3."
Weird Indian man: "Whaaa?"
Me: "I feel hot. Can I pick some numbers?"
WIM: "Oh. What numbers would you whaaaa?"
Me: "Hot. Me. Numbers."
WIM: "Oh. 4-3-7.
Me: "No no no. You speak English? Phew. Can I play the pick 3 please? I would like to pick some..."
WIM: "Whaaaa?"
Me: "I hate you."
WIM: "Fuck you man!"
Me: "I could have won money, but you ruined it. You ruined my "hotness". My psychic "hotness".
WIM: Lame.
WIM: "And also get the fuck out."
---end scene---

So you see...
I am destined to not win the lottery. People make me crazy and eventually I will be agoraphobic. But my computer is not as cool as Sigourney's was. And Harry Connick Jr. has better things to do than stalk me....
So...

Cured.

I buy a lottery ticket tomorrow.

Wow. I'm done writing now.

Do any of you think I'm crazy? I went completely free verse tonight and now I feel like Joe Cut the Shit has maybe cut too much shit? Or maybe I am trying to give Christian Finnigan a run for his money....
Or maybe it would be absurd for me to think I could be Christian. Cuz I mean...he's FUNNY!

Or maybe I never thought about it until this minute.
Snores. I don't even have comments on my page. Who am I kidding?

Sweet dreams...
we hope

Okay...just had to stop in here and say one quick thing...

I was just checking my email and saw that another girl I went to highschool with, Shauna, wrote me an email through Classmates.com and made contact with me. WHAT?

What is going on with me these days? This is so strange and so good for me. I completely shut out my past and now I am being forced into facing it and accepting it. It's a lesson I never expected to learn and a challenge I never thought I was strong enough to face. But here it is and I feel ready for it.

You are gay Joe. It's cool and you have accepted it. You are comfortable with it. Everyone else will be too. And ultimately it doesn't matter.

D, I know will be cool about all of this. She was always a very intriguing and special person. I respected her and looked up to her and in some ways, was very intimidated by her. She was so smart and cool and I was so heavy and spikey haired. (well...I'm still heavy and spikey haired)(Sike)(sorta sike) I wanted to be like her. Cept a boy and yeah that's it. I still wanted to like boys like her, so no need to change that. I know she'll be nothing short of amazing.

But Shauna?
I didn't know Shauna very well. She was better friends with two people from my group. She was always very nice and really...well...never made an impression on me either way. Actually! She never called me "fag", so I guess I do hold some place for her in my heart. People like that were few and far between.

So what's up?!!? I guess I do talk to her and see what's going on with her. I am curious. And it's also good for me. I am 25. TIme to start healing the past and focusing on the future. Has this been what the last 3 years have been about?
Purely discovery?

Possibly.

Or possibly I'm just crazy and lazy and smoking up my hazy.

If I EVER write anything like that again...I expect anyone reading to send me an email belittling me. No one deserves to read shit like that.

That's it.

Welcome to Joe Cut the Shit.

I feel all brand new and shit.

shit shit and shit

i hate you blogger for this.

What a day!

First off, can the constipation that is plaguing my poor body PLEASE come loose now? I feel like my stomach is completely distended. Is that the right word? If not, just picture my stomach being gigantic and you get the point.

D has written me back and we are in the midst of making plans for drinks or lunch next week. How exciting! What will she look like? How has she changed? What if we fall in love and I have to tell Paul that I'm not gay afterall!?!?! Oh man am I nervous! haha

I finished reading the most charming children's book during my lunch break.
Rita gave me this adorable book on Sunday and told me to read it. It's called
Because of Winn Dixie and I just loved it. It took me about 3 minutes to read and I wanted it to continue on so that I knew what happened to little India Opal and her dog "Winn Dixie". It's nice to read a book for children sometimes. It reminds you how innocent and beautiful things were back in the day. Back when things didn't matter as much as they do now. I was sure that the dog died at the end. Rita even assured me that that didn't happen. But how could a book be so nice and polite and NOT have the dog get run over by a mack truck in the end? No books are like this anymore.
Sure enough, the dog did not die and I was RELIEVED. I love you Winn Dixie! You are the best dog ever!

Going home to my own house tonight. That's nice for a change. Going to have a drink with Rita and then work on Paul's resume/cover letter. Then I have to get to work on some stuff for me! I've got to become an actor at some point, right?
Eh, maybe I will work on it tomorrow. I'm sure there will be actors needed tomorrow. Yeah that's it. Yeah.

So Lisa, Paul's roommate, just e-mailed me the nicest message. Maybe she's not as evil as I thought?
Nah...she's evil, but I will break her. I sent her a bunch of links this morning that will hopefully net her a job in this city. We'll see...
She even invited me over tonight for veal parm. I had to tell her that I hate her and can't come over. I think she'll understand.
It would be SO typical of me to become friends with Jen and Lisa after hating them so much. I just don't like anyone until I have known them for awhile. You know how it goes.
And if you don't know how it goes...please learn.

Okay...I might have a turtle poking it's head out of my ass....god willing!
I gotta go...

I have had QUITE the interesting morning so far.

It started as most Wednesdays start...boring, unfulfilling, and pessimistic.

BUT THEN!

I sit down at my desk and check my variety of email accounts. Today, I received an email from a friend of mine from highschool. Her name is "D". You see, about a month ago, I wrote an entry about D in this journal and I used her first and last name. I don't know why I do that, but I do. (I gotta remember in the future to be much more careful of this type of behavior)(I mean, what if I wrote about someone I DIDN'T want to meet up with again) In the entry about D, I had written about a very strange dream I had in which she was driving me around in her car. She crashed the car in the dream, over and over. If I recall correctly, she made me late for work at the Gap. (ha!) So...D writes me today and says that she "googled" her name and my site popped up. Um!

She also told me something that shook me pretty deep. She said that I had that dream about her on her birthday! WHAAAA?!?!
If there was any question about my psychic abilities before...
I just got to learn how to hone these talents so that I can manipulate the world into doing what I say and giving me what I want.
heh heh heh (maniacal laughter)

SO, D! I have lost touch with just about everyone from highschool and to be honest, that is absolutely fine with me. I am a much different person now than I used to be and I don't have the energy or the desire to go back and get to know these people from my past. I like my inner circle now and see no reason to change it. However, there are those few individuals that I have always wondered about and would love to get to know again. D is one of them.

I also found out that D goes to Columbia for Graduate School. Ironically enough, I work at Columbia! If she had never googled her name and written me an email, I would have still thought she lived somewhere exotic, like the Bay of Pigs, or something.
Cept that she was always very thin, so I don't know if she would fit in with the other pigs. And also, wasn't the Bay of Pigs a war or something? Probably a war over gluttony.

WOW! I am thrilled. Things like this don't happen to me very often. I am known for running into people I don't want to see. How refreshing to run into someone I DO want to see. It's been a good start to the day. I am muchly happy. And promise never to use the word "muchly" again.

In other news...I am supposed to go to this super lame work "retreat" on Monday. Both Rita and Ari get the day off from work and I will be sitting bored out of my mind at this damn retreat. Usually the retreat is at my boss's house in the Bronx, but this year they moved to my office! And I don't have to be here until 10am! I'm sorry. But is today my birthday?

Also! (man, I am just FULL of good things happening to me today) I was checking out my site meter and noticed a random blog that was linked to me. Don't you just love when that happens? She is "Bitchen!" and my theory is...if you link to me, I will link to you. That seems like a nice thing to do. Plus...my sitemeter has reported that "Joe Cut the Shit" is booming! Please keep on reading folks. It makes me feel good deep inside. Way down deep in my vas deferens. Vans deferens?
I don't know...let's just say it makes me feel good in my nuts.

So far so good. The only thing that could top all of this would be if Stephen Spielberg called my office and asked me to play the next T-rex in the new Jurassic Park movie. Yay! and also GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Had a great time with Paul last night. Ate 2 HUGE sloppy joes and then continued to swallow anything that sat still. His roommate, Jen, was consumed almost immediately, due to her lack of creative conversation and social skills. Figured I would just eat her and be done with it.

Am trying so hard not to get up and get a bagel. Must eat fruit or salad or yogurt. All of which I hate. Well, I do love salad, but it has to be covered in blue cheese and toffee. Cept substitute bacon bits for toffee. You know how it goes...

Guess I should start doing some work. I have so much to do and I have been sitting here FREAKING out for the last hour and a half.

It does feel good to be freaking out over something good for once, instead of my usual overly dramatic ranting and raving as to why Paul is such a jerk and my life is slowly, but surely, spiraling down the toilet.

Gotta keep this momentum going...

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!

I have been so completely swamped at work this week. It's like I will never catch up. Work just keeps piling on and no matter how big a breath I take, it is impossible for me to keep my head above water. Really, I shouldn't complain...the days go by MUCH faster when I am not trying to fill it up with ways to play on the internet. That shit bores me to death eventually. I mean, how many times can I try to get Michael Jackson to throw his baby in the basket and not on the pavement?

Paul is SO back in my good graces. Just as I had given up on him, he goes and does something wonderful. Turns out that last night was to be my anniversary evening. When I got to Paul's house he was, of course, lying in bed naked, taking a nap. He must have been farting since the moment he laid down, cuz that room done stink! Once I sprayed him and the blankets with Febreeze, he got up and we watched the Simpsons together. (Fox has given us a full hour now, instead of the usual half hour! - 6:30-7:30pm)(rock)
After the episodes were over, we both got dressed and went to the grocery store. We split the cost of the groceries, which kinda sucked, cuz we didn't split the cost of HIS anniversary dinner, but whatever...

We bought the ingredients for taco salad and we got eachother little surprises. He got potato chips, I got ice cream. Then we rushed home and he made me the biggest feast imaginable. I laid in bed while he served me an appetizer of Tater Tots (actually called Tasty Morsels)(they were the generic brand) and fruit punch. After this he brought me my taco salad and I SHOVED it in my face. It was so good, I almost jizzed on it before I ate it. But that would have ruined it, so I decided against it. After dinner, HE did all the clean-up with no fuss and I got to watch both Fear Factor and Joe Millionaire from the comfort of his warm bed. It was wonderful.

At no point did I even see the evil Jen and Lisa. They were in the apartment the entire time, but never made it down to Paul's room. At one point I had a massive diarrhea attack and Paul was the lookout while I ran to the bathroom. I escaped them for the whole night and it was great! Paul was damn adorable all night long. He made me laugh over and over and it was exactly what I needed. I said "thank you" to him a million times and I finally gave him what he wanted: I told him that he was off the hook for the botched anniversary.

We both went to bed happy.

Over the last two nights, I have had some horrifying dreams. On Sunday night, I dreamed that I was diagnosed with a terminal illness called "Sephora". Yes, I KNOW it's some sort of make-up store, but in my dream, it was a rash that started at my shoulders and covered my entire body. It seemed to be the cousin of leprosy. My family and friends put me into a cage and I got to watch them live their lives from behind bars. When it was time for me to die, everyone crowded around the cage and said "Goodbye" to me. I felt so scared and alone. And then I woke up.

Last night, I dreamed that my old dog, "Garfield", was attacked by bees and laid dying on my living room floor. Only it was my grandmother's living room floor. You know how that goes...
When I was younger, I saw one of my dog's get stung to death, so this dream is probably a throw back to that memory. As Garfield laid there dying, my mom and I pet him over and over and cried about how much we loved him. Eventually he stopped breathing and my mom and I just hugged eachother until the emotional pain went away. I woke up as the alarm went off and immediately jumped out of bed. I sat, smoking a cigarette, thinking about how much I miss my mom, my old dog, and my dead grandmother. Kind of a rough start to the day.

The one upbeat thing that happened yesterday was that Mariah gave me a beautiful letter. (She and I used to write letters to eachother all the time when she was still living in Boston and me in NYC.) When I got to Paul's yesterday, I was still feeling low after what happened on Sunday night. Mariah explained how much she loved me and how she totally sees where I am coming from. She was very blunt about calling out some of my insecurities and in turn healed them all. She smoothed it over for me. Now I owe her a letter back explaining how lucky I am to have her in my life.

I finally feel as though I am not a complete lunatic. Even though I have been reassured by everyone that my yelling fits are natural (considering the amount of pressure I put on myself), it took her writing me that letter to make me feel okay about it. Thank you Mariah. Thank you thank you.

She always gets me and that's why I love her so dearly. There are few people that are as special as she is to me. We have been friends for over 2 and a half years and I can't wait to see what the future holds for us. Hopefully nothing but the best.

Tonight I am helping Paul with his resume and cover letter. We will probably get some grub and watch a movie. Since he doesn't have cable, we are very limited as to what we can watch. There is only so much Fox news that a boy can take.

I promise to write a much better entry tomorrow. I have been so crazy at work that I only have a couple minutes to stop in here and write about the quickie things. Tomorrow will be filled with crazy tales of my past, longings for the future, and sexy secrets only I could tell!

Giggle snort goodbye!

Today has been so blah.

I woke up feeling pretty gross, which a night of drinking will do to you. No real hangover, just kind of "out of body". Once 9:30am hit, I started to get quite a bad headache, borderline migraine. I took some Aleve and layed down for an hour and now it is slowly dissipating. I am proud of myself for staying at work and sticking through it. For awhile there, I thought that I was going to have to up and leave. Computer screens are not condusive to curing bad headaches.

But I am so relieved that it is going away. I become completely incompacitated when my head throbs.

This weekend was pretty wonderful, for the most part.

Friday, Rita and I went home and had some drinks while discovering our new Playstation 2. Thank you Angie! We had a very good time. I had talked to Paul during the work day on Friday and I was pretty furious with him when I left to go home. I called him later that afternoon and he was sounding damn miserable. So I sucked up my anger and told him to come over to my house; that I would make it better for him. By 11pm that night, he was doing much better.

On Saturday, we stayed in bed for the ENTIRE day and I had the time of my life. We laughed and talked and watched tons of tv together. The day was wonderful. I have a tendency to stay in bed, alot...but having Paul there to spend the day with me made it even better! At one point he pulls me close to him and says: "I feel so lucky to be the one person who is this close to you". It was one of the nicest things he has ever said and I haven't stopped thinking about it since the words fell out of his mouth.

He never did plan anything for me for our anniversary and at this point I think it's best that I just give up. I have had numerous talks with both Rita and Kelly about this situation and I do feel better about it. Once Paul gets a job, I am hoping he will come around. Until then, there isn't much I can do about the way he has been treating me. I am the one person he can take shit out on and I accept that responsibility. He takes my shit daily.

The kid just needs a job.

Yesterday, I came up with, what I thought was, a good idea. "Why don't we have everyone get together for mid-afternoon drinks!?!?!"
We all met at a bar called "G" and played "$25,000 Pyramid" while chugging down Vodka tonics. The night ended on a very sour note. VERY sour note. I am not going to get into it on here, but just understand that it was bad. I don't think we will be having a big get together with all of my different friends again for awhile. It just doesn't work out.

When Paul and I got home, he was trashed! Thank God he came with me when he did. I spent the night cleaning up his vomit and wondering how I let this happen again. He's got a major drinking problem.
ugh.

I ate rice and went to bed around 11:30pm.
I know this entry is complete snores, but I still have my headache looming at the back of my head and it is making it impossible for me to be any sort of a writer.

Tonight I am going over to Paul's place and he is taking care of me. He knows how I am when I get headaches this bad and he told me that he will nurse me back to health. That was pretty nice of him. We are having taco salads for dinner and I will probably settle in for some Fear Factor and Joe Millionaire. Quite an eventful evening, eh? But it's exactly what I need. A little rest and relaxation. And no drama.
And no Jen or Lisa.
That would be my perfect night.

Goodnight sweet prince.

Happy Anniversary to no one.

Yesterday morning, I said to Paul: "Please be at my place by 8:30pm." When he asked "why?", I said: "Just be there."

When I got home yesterday, I immediately went to the grocery store and bought the materials for a very nice dinner. We were to start with shrimp cocktail. After this, we would move to a very special blend of cheese and mashed potatoes, Italian chicken and Italian bread. For dessert, strawberry cheesecake. I also rented the movie BeetleJuice cuz he had been wanting to see it again.

I turned my room into a little restaurant. I set up a little table with a table cloth, nice napkins, candles, a flower, etc. I even took a picture of us and hung it right by the mini-table. I put his gift at his place setting and did what I could to prepare the dinner. At 8:25pm, the phone rings and it's Paul.

"I'm leaving now, so I will be there in about 40 minutes."
Disheartened, I say "Ok" and wait patiently for him.
At 10PM (!) the door bell rings and it's Paul. He walks in holding a Duane Reade bag and I think: "He didn't just go shopping for me now. He didn't."
We go into my bedroom and I am nothing but sweet to him. I feel horrible inside that my boyfriend has gotten there so late and that so far he has done nothing to make this day special for me. He never even called me at work yesterday. Without even being prompted, he says: "I needed a nap." "But Paul", I say, "I asked you to be here at 8:30pm." "I told you I needed a nap", he says.

The tear in my heart increases as I start serving the king his fucking dinner. (can you tell I am a bit angry and hurt today?)

He shoves his face with food and I serve him course after course. The food turned out wonderfully and I was quite impressed at what I put together. The mashed potatoes turned suck, but I saved them with a little TLC and Paul did say that they were the "best mashed he'd ever had." Once I cleaned up the entire mess, Paul said: "Time for presents". I opened mine first. The card he wrote had five lines in it and was filled with typos and messy handwriting. "I love you Joe. You are everything to me. Happy Anniversary." FUCKING SNORE. "Did you write this on the subway ride over here?", I think.

I open my gifts and was UNPLEASANTLY surprised to find that he got me two dvd's. "Requiem for a Dream" which is one of my favorite movies and "GIA", which I didn't like that much before and now after receiving it as my anniversary gift, I hate. I also got a box of popcorn. Gee, thanks. I could hardly contain my excitement. Mind you, this is my Christmas gift as well. Two special events combined.

I take a deep breath and say "thank you" over and over. I am not one for being ungrateful, even when I feel like he has just given me my own broken heart in a gift bag.

I give him his gift.

He opens the envelope to his letter and says: "What is this? A book?" My gaze turns into a glare and I say: "Please just read it."
He does read it and seemingly loves it. He says that I "write well" and that it contained "all the things he needed to hear." I remind him about the gift, cuz he seems to have forgotten. He opens up the watch and his jaw hits the floor.
Yes that's right Paul...I spent time, thought, and money on your gift. He is dumbfounded. He immediately tries it on and explains to me that he has never had a wristwatch. I respond with: "I know. That's why I got it for you." He plays with it for awhile and definitely loves it. I sense that maybe he feels bad about getting me crap. But I don't know.

He puts the watch back in the box and asks me to turn on the movie. I do as he says and realize to myself that this is supposed to be my anniversary too. Not just his. Why am I cooking the dinner? Why am I giving gifts based on love when his are based on convenience? Why is he acting as though I OWE this all to him? We start the movie and I begin to get really upset. My throat swells as I hold back the tears. I tell him, very nicely, that I don't like the movie "Gia" and want to exchange it for "Magnolia". He responds by throwing the movie across the room and saying: "Fine".

I just sit quietly.

About half-way through the movie, I serve him his cheesecake and he says: "thank you". I mention to him that "I feel as though you didn't put much thought into this holiday".
"Well Joe, this is your thing. This is what you like to do."

WHAT?!

what?

oh.

I say: "Paul, honestly...I have bent over backwards for you and have done everything in my power to make NYC a home for you. I am supportive about finding you a job and wiping your tears when you are depressed. You knew this day was important to me and you have done nothing for it. In fact, you have done everything in your power to make it worse for me."

"You know what Joe? I pay for everything when we go out (which is SIMPLY NOT TRUE!!!!!!!!!) and I am giving to you all year long."

oh my god. OH MY GOD! The anger and hurt and frustration is building inside of me and I know I am going to blow. I turn back to the television and we finish watching the movie.
I didn't even laugh when Beetlejuice got his head shrunk and that is my favorite part. Instead, I had to keep biting my tongue so that I wouldn't cry. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing me upset. He doesn't deserve even that.

As we turned the movie off, I said: "You know...you could plan something for Saturday that would be just for us. I would feel much better then." He says: "Ok". We watch a few minutes of mindless tv and as we turn the light off, I say again: "You know, I would really like it if you planned something on Saturday." He responds with: "Yeah".

He barely kisses me goodnight.

This morning I get up and get ready for work as he lies there in bed. When I get back from the shower, Paul informs me that his friend, Stephen, might be visiting town tonight and he would like for us to go out with him. I say: "Maybe", but inside I am thinking "fuck no". Then he says: "Jen and Lisa want to go out tomorrow night (saturday) and I want to take them somewhere cool. Where do you think we should go?"

I look at him and my jaw hits the floor.

"Are you kidding?", I calmly ask.

He just looks at me blankly.

I say: "Ok. I gotta go. Call me later if you want." I kiss him and leave.

And that's that! That is my 3-year anniversary with my boyfriend. I don't have much more to say on the topic. I think you can understand how I feel. It was a horrible evening. It would have been better if he didn't show up at all. At least then I could be angry at something concrete. Instead, I sit here and feel like he doesn't love me at all. Like he is done with me. Like he doesn't know me at all and frankly doesn't care. What am I going to do?

I can't call him today and scream at him. I am so tired of fighting over this kind of shit. I shouldn't have to yell at my boyfriend over something like this. I shouldn't have to beg him to spend a little time picking out a gift or writing me a nice card.

Maybe he loves me, but doesn't like me very much. Maybe...maybe it's not fair that I sit here driving myself crazy about all of this, when I know that he is sitting there thinking soley about his life and what he's going to do with Jen and Lisa this weekend.

I am going for drinks with Rita right after work. Yes, I am using booze as an escape. I just want to laugh a little today. Yesterday, I didn't. Paul can call all he wants. I think I am going to be "away from the phone" all weekend.

I hurt right now.
And the worst part...
is that he doesn't care.

My mom just called me to check in.

For our anniversary, my dad called and left the most beautiful message on my answering machine. I stood there, soaking wet, as I had just gotten out of the shower, and listened to him tell both Paul and I how happy he is for us and that he hopes we have a special day together. WOW. I love this man with so much of my heart. I hope he realizes how much it means to me that he called and left this message. My parents are nothing short of wonderful to me.

When I got to work, there was an "E-card" waiting in my inbox. I opened it up and there was this message:
"HAPPY 3RD ANNIVERSARY...WE WISH YOU BOTH MUCH LOVE AND HAPPINESS..ENJOY THE JOURNEY...WHEN YOU DO IT TOGETHER IT IS ALWAYS BETTER...WE LOVE YOU"

WOW!
I remember when I was much younger, thinking that I could never tell my parents that I was even "questioning" my sexuality, and look at this! They love me so deeply and it shows in everything they do. They don't have to accept my homosexuality, but they accept me and want me to be happy regardless of who I am with or what I am doing with my life. Is it wrong that I consider my parents to be two of my closest friends? They will always be mom and dad, but I love hanging out with them so much that they might as well be my buddies.

Thank you mom and dad. I don't think I could ever come up with the words to express how much your messages meant to me today.

I am so touched.

Happy 3rd Anniversary to Paul and myself!

I came into work late as I was up until 2am running around our house like a drunk chicken with it's head still on. You know how that one goes. It was quite an enjoyable evening. Hells...it was fucking fun! Ari, Mariah, Kelly, Paul, Ari's brother, Ethan, and I were all together to celebrate Miss Rita's turning 26 years old. We had many vodka tonics and some shots and well, how could the night go wrong with all of this booze going down our throats? It was great and I am sure that Rita had a very special and wonderful birthday. She is so grateful for everything she gets. Her attitude about everything made me want to form a lasso and grab the moon for her. She loved everything. And it warmed my heart to see her so relaxed and happy.

When we got home from the bar, we gave Rita her birthday cake and opened her presents. Her sister, Jeannie, sent the most wonderful package and we all sat around like giggling girls while she opened up and played with each little gift. Her sister loves her dearly and I was so happy to see Rita be able to celebrate, in some way, with her family. While we were in the cab on the way home, Rita was eating a box of Animal Crackers that Mariah brought for her. All she kept saying was: "I want the elephant one. Please find me an elephant cracker." There were none. When we got home, Rita had received a package from her boyfriend, Andy, and when she opened it...what did she find? She found a big stuffed elephant! How did he know? How did he POSSIBLY know that she wanted an elephant??? And it was better than an animal cracker. By far.
It was beautiful and once again, she was so grateful.
BTW...Rita ate most of the animal crackers despite the lack of elephant shape.
hee.

Around 1:30am, Paul and I went into my room to eat a slice of pizza and go to bed. Once finished with our food, we sat and discussed, very briefly, our anniversary plans.
Here is how the conversation went:
Me: "So tomorrow's the big day. What are we going to do to celebrate?"
Paul: "I don't know."
Me: "ooook. Um, how about dinner and a movie?"
Paul: "Well, actually, I told Jen and Lisa (GRRRRRR!) that I was going to make taco salads for dinner at home."
Me: "Huh?"
Paul: "I told Jen and Lisa that I was going to make them taco salads for dinner."
Me: "What the FUCK are you talking about? You're joking, right?"
Paul: "No. That's what I told them before I met you at the bar tonight."
Me: "Paul, you have to be kidding me! Tomorrow is our 3-year anniversary and you are planning on spending it with Jen and Lisa and taco salads?!?!?!?!"
Paul: "I don't know."
Me: "This is fucking crazy! Why are you doing this?? You knew how important that this day was to us. At least, how important it was to me. How could you even entertain that thought with those bitches? I can't believe this."
Paul: "Oh Joe. It doesn't matter. I can always come over afterwords."
Me: "Fine. FUCK YOU! Why am I with you? Why???? When you know something means something to me, you do everything in your power to destroy it! I am tired of this shit. If you have taco salads with Jen and Lisa tomorrow night, you can stay there and spend the rest of the evening with them. And don't even THINK about calling me or coming over. EVER again."
Paul: "Oh stop. It's not a big deal."
Me: "Of course it isn't a big deal to you. But it is to me and as my boyfriend and on our anniversary, you should have thought about my feelings and not just yours alone. I'm not talking about this anymore. I am going to sleep and you sit there and think about why I am so upset over this."
Paul: "Just hug me."
Me: "Fuck no. Goodnight."

And that was it. I fell asleep so upset and hurt by him. I also vowed to be angry at him in the morning, even if I felt differently. This is fucking bullshit!
I woke up and he was already awake. He looks in my eyes and he says: "Happy Anniversary". I go: "Happy Anniversary to you, Jen and Lisa." I sat up in bed and put my head in my hands and felt the tears rising in my throat. He rubbed my back for a couple of minutes while I just sat there. Eventually I got up and got into the shower. After I returned to the bedroom, I had calmed down a bit and decided to give him one more shot at making this situation better. When I opened the door to my room, Paul was sitting there, obviously thinking about our conversation from the night before.

"Are you still having taco salads tonight?", I said.
"No. I want to be with you. I'm sorry. I will meet up with you after you get out of work."

As I was in the shower, I decided how I wanted the night to go. Since Paul had already made plans with other people, I figured that I would, as usual, take the responsibility of planning the entire night myself. As if it was my anniversary alone. I decided that I wanted to make him a romantic dinner and turn my bedroom into some kind of restaurant, with candles, nice music, a picnic blanket, etc. I told Paul to come by my place at 8:30pm. I will have appetizers, a meal, and dessert already prepared. I am also going to do my best to rent a movie that he will want to see. I'm thinking "Beetlejuice", cuz he had mentioned the other night that he wanted to see it again. I wrote him a two page letter today and I am giving him his Kenneth Cole watch tonight. I am also giving him something else, but I haven't decided yet as to what it will be.
I hope I, at least, get a card.
:(

When I spoke with Rita earlier this morning about the incident with Paul, all I had to say was: "Paul told Jen and Lisa that he is making taco salads with them tonight, instead of hanging out with me." I barely got out the "me" before she exclaimed: "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST SAY!!?!?!?!?!?!" I repeated myself and she was like "WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!?!"
I love her for her immediate support.

I am sure it will all work out fine. I just don't understand why he does this stuff? I still feel very hurt by the whole thing and whether he meant it or not, it wasn't funny on any level. Damn him.

This lady that I work with, Doris, has the fucking worst BO I have ever smelled in my life. She just came by to grab something from my desk and my eyes rolled up into the back of my head. She was like: "Are you ok Joe?" and in between gagging I'm like: "Please, for the sake of my health, step away and go back to your office."

Today when I walked into work, I told the front desk attendant, Pedro, that today was mine and Paul's 3-year anniversary. He asked if we were doing something special and I said "Probably dinner and a movie". He responded with: "and then a little kissing" and I said: "Yeah, that's when the gross stuff begins". He looked at me and very seriously says: "Joe, you need to stop with that shit. What you have is normal and you should represent it that way when you are talking to other people."
You know what Pedro? You are absolutely right.
I will work on that.

I hope this day turns out better than it has started. I am in a decent mood. Just can't seem to shake what Paul said to me last night. I am positive that it will be fine. By why did he have to say that shit?
Why?

I gotta go figure out what else I am getting him, but something is telling me that I should stop while I am ahead.
I don't know.
Will give a full update on the evening tomorrow.
I pray it goes well.

Please check out Justin on the new Rolling Stone.

(heavy breathing......pant pant pant pant)

HAPPY 26th BIRTHDAY MISS RITA LOVELY!!

YAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!
I hope today brings you nothing but pure joy! You are my best friend and my confidant. Thank you for all of the time you give me and for the endless (and I mean ENDLESS) talks we have. You make me feel so good about myself and I thank you for that.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU MY LOVE.

Tonight we will be taking Miss Rita to happy hour at Jake's Dilemma. Everyone will be in attendance. Mariah, Kelly, Paul, Ari, myself...all of the people we know and love. It will be quite the time.
I hope.
I always stress about shit for no reason.

I ended up writing a ton yesterday, so if you have missed it, scrolled down and you will see the entry from late last night.
Have been so swamped at work today so don't have much time to write, but will try to check in after my birthday lunch with Reets.
PEACE!

This is a momentus (momentous?) occassion.

I am sitting in my bedroom and typing an entry.
Wha???
I don't sit in my room and type an entry.

I sit in the kitchen and I type.
I sit at work and I type.
Sometimes I sit at random computers and I type.

But sitting in my room, my private, wonderful room, and typing, is something else.

Clearly...I'm in love.

As I type, I am listening to the Miss Saigon soundtrack. I had ordered the cd from BMG a couple of months ago, but they sent me the "highlights" and I was very upset.
So for Christmas I asked for the full blown soundtrack. Every song. Every word.
You see, I lost my version. Someone else has it. Probably someone I don't talk to anymore.
I hate that person. I hate them hard.

But you see, now I have my old love back.
I'm not THAT gay. It's just that there are certain things a man needs
and
the Miss Saigon soundtrack is something a man needs.

ha.

I am happy right now.
Paul decided to have dinner with his roommates. The cursed Jen and Lisa.
At first I was pissed that he was "choosing them over me", cuz I am a psycho. Even when I hinted that I wanted him to come over instead of having dinner with them, I thought to myself: "I hate them (that's the first thing I ALWAYS think when their names come up) and I would love to have a night away from Paul, so go go go!". So, I'm crazy...I don't know what I want.

Anyway, I got distracted, cuz I was jamming out to a Broadway musical.
It happens.
Now and again.

and always.

Right now I am about to make preparations for Rita's bday. I have some things I need to do. But since she is such an avid reader of this ever popular journal (hahahahahah....boooooooowaaaaaaahh...oh damn.....OH DAMN.....oh yeah thats good) I can't give away the details.

So I have decided that I am king.
I decided that rather than just have a good time with whoever I am with, I will just control every situation, so that I never end up with those "uncomfortable people" hanging out in my group.
Essentially I crown myself as king.
I am sure that my friends will completely appreciate this.
You see, we are all looking for a leader. Someone to make all of those decisions you don't want to make.

For example...
You are sitting around with a group of people (some of which are better friends of yours, than others.) and you all have to decide where to go to dinner.
You get nervous, cuz you want to voice your opinion, but you don't know if you have what it takes to say: "Look...we should go here." What if they think it's a stupid idea?
And you don't know these people, so it might be best to make a good impression and do whatever they want.

NEVER!
Invite Joe Cut the Shit to all of your parties and I will make your decisions for you.

I have accepted the fact that I am going to obsessively worry about everyone in my life no matter what, so it might be best to just go with it and control it all. I think it's VERY healthy.

Instead of wondering who is going to call everyone and make sure they show up at the right time to your PRECIOUS (golum) event, I will call them all and make SURE they show up on time.

What I am getting at is simple.

I am tired of sitting back and worrying about all of my different friends meeting eachother and getting along.

No one has asked me to do it and no one expects me to do it.
I have done this.

I can't change overnight. But I can be more vocal and honest with what I feel.
Instead of expecting people to automatically know what I think, I need to explain it to them and give them a chance to understand me.
If I feel uncomfortable with Paul's roommates, I need to explain to him why, instead of hoping he will ask me about it after hearing me say things like "Oh Lisa? Yeah. Her words are my sleeping pills. Basically she is suck."

Joe...stop it.

LOL.

and stop it.

okay enough. That's just the lesson I learned today.

So here are a quick OTHERS that are going on in my life right now:

1) I am looking to purchase a BOWFLEX or TOTAL GYM or something else endorsed by such popular actors as Chuck Norris.
I'm talking Texas Walker Ranger folks. I want it. Or one of them. I want to be able to work out in private and not at a gym. Paul laughed in my face when I told him the idea. That just makes me want to do it more.
But I am on a limited budget, so I need to figure out a way to find a good, compactable machine, that is affordable. Even if I have to pay for 12 months...that's fine. Just affordable. Hey, it's cheaper than a gym!
And so much sexier when I stare at myself in the mirror.
All sweaty and raw.

sickest.

2) I feel good. I am ready to tackle some things in my life. AND most importantly, I feel that I am doing it at my own pace. I am ready. You watch. A year ago right now (read my archives) I didn't feel the way I do now.
I am ready folks.

3) Kelly and I might end up living with this girl Stephanie.
Okay...news is out folks....Rita is leaving NYC on March 1st. She is going back to Syracuse to claim her love. She has answered the question we all want to answer: "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life by his side?" Well...it took her 6 years, but she has realized her passion. She will be an amazing wife and mother.
But let's not completely let her off the hook...cuz the thing is...my dream for Rita has always been HUGE. I want her to get published. I want her to act in a play. I want her to sing a solo in a choir. Rita's got the talents and when it comes to my view of her life, I dream big. Joe big.
But I finally get it. I see that she has to go for her.
It's pretty difficult to accept, but I get it.
I do.
enough.
so anyway (BTW...Cry Me a River is now playing.
I love this man.
Have you SEEN the new "Rolling Stone"?
whats up!?!?!?!?!

So Kelly and I are, of COURSE going to move in together. We were planning on two, but now we are thinking 3. Kelly has this friend Stephanie that has been with her for at least a year. When around, Stephanie is nothing short of a darling. I am BIG on first impressions and this girl has it. Every visit with her is nothing short of a joy.
So Kelly poses the idea of Stephanie to me today and I think...why not.
Of course I was looking forward to living with just one other person and cutting out the college-ish life entirely...
but I also think...interesting. This could be a good experience.
For all of us.
So that's that. More to come...

4) I am bored now so goodbye.

Wow. I just typed all of this in my bedroom.

I am so lucky and never for a second do I think that I have it worse than 80% of the rest of the world.

ha. I better stop while I am ahead.

YOWZAHS I gotta piss right now.

Whenever I drink Vitamin Water, it literally runs right through me.

Good story Joe. Very intriguing.

Sometimes I just don't know how to jump right into my entry for the day. So I start by saying something like: "Whoa! The slice of pizza I had was so greasy" or "ROCK! I have two arms and two legs". I don't know..either way...it's LAME!

Last night was quite an interesting evening. I got out of work at my usual 5 o'clock time and scooted on down to Paul's place. We had plans to get movies and groceries. When I showed up Kelly was at his apartment getting ready to go see "The Hours" with Paul's roommates, Jen and Lisa. Unfortunately, when Paul opened the door to reveal Jen and Lisa, I immediately cringed and wanted to leave. The problem with Jen and Lisa is that there is no problem. They are very pleasant people and have never ever come close to doing anything hurtful or mean to me. Yet, I can't stop saying horrible shit about them and on every level, I REFUSE to accept them.

To be honest, they aren't my FAVORITE type of personalities to hang out with, but I am mature enough to realize that people are different and variety is what makes the world go round. However, I am NOT mature enough to allow them into my inner circle. I am very picky about who is allowed "in". In many ways, I feel as though I have hand-selected the people that reside in my little group. Kelly, Mariah, Rita, Ari, Paul---as of right now, these are my special people. Of course I have other friends and of course I get along with most everyone, but I am VERY picky when it comes to hanging out with acquaintance-esque people all the time.

I'm a bitch who hates spending my free time with people I don't completely LOVE.

It makes sense.

Kelly, on the other hand, is a very accepting person and we all appreciate her for that. She has seemingly clicked with both Jen and Lisa and I am happy for her. Since Jen is a lesbian, Kelly has a new gay friend to go bar hopping with. Kelly could make peace with a piece of dook if she wanted to. She's that open-minded. Now, put me in the middle of all of this and you can see where the problems develop. I am in no way soft spoken or demure. I am very opinionated and I want what I want when I want it. For example, if everyone is sitting around trying to make a decision as to where to go drinking that evening, I will walk into the conversation and within minutes say: "Why are you arguing? We are obviously going to (insert the name of a super fun bar)". Sometimes it's a great thing, sometimes it's a big problem.

When I saw Jen and Lisa sitting on the couch last night, it took all I had not to vomit or scream on sight. Paul's apartment is quite small and there is no escaping any unwanted conversation. I told Paul to get his things, that we were going to Blockbuster and to the grocery store. He immediately obliged and at the time I'm not sure if he obliged so quickly to appease me or to get me the fuck out of the room. Probably a mixture of both. We said our goodbyes and took off towards Union Square.

Paul was in the mood to make cheeseburgers and french fries. There has never been a day in my life when I HAVEN'T wanted cheeseburgers and french fries, so I was very excited about this choice. Unfortunately, I suggested the turkey burger and later on that night, we both took one bite of our sandwiches and chucked them in the garbage. Turkey burgers have a tendency to taste like horse shit. At least the ones Paul made did. The french fries we got ended up burning so I sat with a gigantic bowl of cereal and that was my wonderful dinner.

ha.

We rented the movie "Trapped" with Charlize and Kevin and I never saw more than 20 minutes of it. You see, I pretended I was asleep so Jen and Lisa would go to bed and it worked! YAY! Will use that one again in the future.

But...there was one thing I have skipped over...

Paul and I were putting clean sheets on his bed, when I decided to be all sexy and shit and I pulled him down on top of me...

WARNING: SEXUALLY EXPLICIT TEXT --- IF YOU ARE OFFENDED (ie: totally LAME) then go to
the lamest site on the internet and be completely bored.

As we lay there kissing, I felt totally out of body. We were fully clothed and I could sense that he was feeling very awkward about kissing me. Our clothes were fully on and our breath was not the most pleasant. I told him to kiss me for a few minutes and that we could make dinner after that. He pulls in tight to me and I can feel his erection through his pants. I immediately stiffen and suddenly I want nothing of this kissing...
I want to hump.
What happened to me??
I start grinding against him and I can tell by his breathing pattern that he is about ready to go to town on me. I casually slip out of my pants and he starts pumping my erection up and down. While it felt tremendously good, I couldn't help but still feel completely awkward. I look up at him and his face is all serious. He is now in full "hook-up" mode. I try to make myself believe that after almost 3 years in a relationship, there is no reason why I should feel weird with him. I closed my eyes and tried to just go along with what I started. Paul took off his pants and boxers at that point and I started to panic. What was wrong with me? I started this whole thing and now I lay here and don't want to do it anymore. But how do I tell him that I want to stop?

Paul began to give me head, very slowly, and for the first time in our relationship, very gently. (he is not a good blow, usually) The head of my dick was so sensitive and I repeatedly had to push his head away. We maneuvered into a 69 position. His dick was raging at this point. Usually I give amazing head....very slow and wet and hot and yeah...I can finish Paul off in about 35 seconds. But last night, his dick made me gag and I didn't like the taste of it at all. Paul sat upright and knelt next to me, massaging my dick in both of his hands. I closed my eyes and went to fantasy land.

After about ten minutes of this hand-jerking, I finally had to push his hands off of me. I told him that I wanted him to kiss me until I came. He was comfortable with that and there he laid...next to me...while we each just jerked our own dicks until orgasm. Of course, when he came it had to be all over my chest. This is the way it almost always ends up, and last night, I hated it. I felt degraded and tired of having to be the one to either jump in the shower or eat up all the cum.

ok SIKE! Never would I eat cum off my chest. That is purely disgusting.

In any case...this is the love session we had last night. After 3 years, this is how the two of us made love. Maybe intercourse will actually change our relationship for the better. But what if it doesn't? What if I always have to run away to fantasy land? Is that normal? Do other people do the same thing and as often with their mates? Do we all envision the best bodies on the planet? Or am I the only one that can't keep my eyes open during sex?

Our anniversary is on Thursday and while I feel no pressure to de-virginize myself on that day, I know it has to happen and soon. This kid is about ready to bust inside. And so am I. I am tired of not knowing what sex is really like. I am tired of being in love with someone and not being able to share this adventure with him. There is so much I don't know about and I am ready to start exploring.
But is Paul my best friend? Or my boyfriend? I am still unsure.

After we finished "hooking up", Paul said that he felt MUCH better and that we should do it at least once a day. (Right now, we average about 3 times a week) (yeah...yikes. cuz I cum at least 9-10 times a week...just alot of times, alone) Why did Paul feel that our sex was so good, when I felt like I was touching a stranger. And a stranger that I wasn't attracted to no less.

Hmmmmm......

And why did those cheeseburgers taste so completely nasty?

In any case, I am off to do some planning for one Miss Rita's bday.

This was a different entry for me today, huh? If y'all like gay porn, I've got some great stories I could lay on you.
Just let me know...